After a tough year of one thing and another, I started seeing a counsellor a couple of months ago. This was a decision well-made and timely as we have been making real progress finding out more about what makes me tick – or stop ticking (as the case may be).
I didn’t go through the NHS as I’ve seen that route many times and given my training and mental defences, a poorly funded and overworked ‘group workshop’ isn’t going to fix my problems. For those of you that read that and think I am slagging off the NHS, you’d be only partially right. Mental Health services in Essex are poor and should be leagues better. This is a fact. While I slate the service, blame (as we are all aware) lies elsewhere and not with the staff and services themselves. Let me be clear – MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES SHOULD BE CORRECTLY FUNDED. Now that we’ve cleared that up, I’ll move on.
One of the things the counsellor and I have explored is this notion of ‘what’s the point’? For context, my brain is very logical and methodical in the way it works. Not to the extent of being ‘obsessive’ in any way on thing being done in a certain order etc, but more from a point of view of everything having a beginning, a middle and an end. An acceptance that actions have reactions and that everything is either done or ‘happens’ for a reason. That reason, however, is something open to some interpretation.
And it’s that reason behind doing something where some of my issues reside. I often don’t see the point in doing things either because the point is a valid one, but of little value to me, or the point of doing it just makes no sense to me. If I do something, it’s for a reason and for an outcome I want. That doesn’t mean it’s an outcome that benefits me alone but is something that I want to happen for me or someone else.
Take dating as an example. Putting aside all the ‘nice’ notions of dating for love, companionship etc, what are the actual ‘real-life’ reasons for dating? We all have them. They can be deeply personal (fear of being alone for example) or they can be a little more practical. But everyone has their ‘real-world’ reasons beyond the usual Disney related ones. You may not even be consciously aware of them, but they are there.
Mine are, simple and yet complicated. I very much want to let someone into that space and fill that ‘void’ in life. I also want them to fill some very basic needs. To simply be interested in me for me. Not in the idea of me (or any partner for that matter) or anything else. To simply look me in the eye and have me believe that they are interested in me and building something together. Otherwise, what is the point? What is the point of playing the dating game and the ever-ongoing nightmare that is dating in the gay community today?
That look in someone’s eye is difficult to quantify and yet something quite simple to want in the grant scheme of things. Simple, yet elusive.
Then add in what ‘building something’ means (as we all want to build different things) and you have the complexities of dating. For me, it the main and first stumbling block is that ‘actually interested in my rather than the idea of me’.
As an example for those of you scratching your head wondering what on earth I’m on about, have you ever had a conversation with someone on a date and got that feeling that they are really into you (or not). That! I do get attention on the dating apps, I used to deny it but I do. And it falls into categories. Those that are after 1 thing (fair enough, I don’t begrudge them that). Those that are after someone (anyone) to fill their void (no pun intended) and those that are looking for something specific to meet their needs. Online dating is full of a lot of the first 2 types of people and very few of the latter type.
Some call the latter type ‘picky’ and those that do are either taken or firmly in the other categories – so don’t really have any basis for comment.
Is there anything wrong with wanting something specific rather than just any old soul that shows an interest? I’m not saying there is, I’m not saying there isn’t. I’m saying that for me, my core ‘what’s the point mantra’ currently drives my dating ‘strategy’ and that may not be as useful to me as it should be. For you, if some of this resonates on any level, work it out for yourself.
Now I’ve used dating as one example of ‘what’s the point’ playing out, but it also plays out with friendships too. Many of the ‘friends’ that come into our lives don’t last. And for the ones on the ‘outer circle’ that come and go, that’s no major thing for many of us. But what about the ones that you think you form a meaningful connection with, that then (for whatever reason) then disappear? What’s the point of all that? If friendship is fleeting (close or acquaintance level), what’s the point?
Now don’t dismiss what I’m saying by assuming it’s being said with a negative tone or context. Usually when you hear ‘whats the point’ you think of ‘Marvin the paranoid robot’ from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. That’s a simple way to avoid the issue. This is a quite profound and core question to life. If all friendships are fleeting in one form or another, and very little endures, what is the point? Do we simply accept the point is short term? People come, they do together, and then they move on to others? Both parties clearly had benefits from it, and it served a purpose for that moment in time. Does the fact the relationship is no longer what it once was mean anything, or is it simply time to fill the void with something/someone else? Is this (to steal a phrase) simply another ‘circle of life’?
I genuinely don’t say this with a sense of sadness or dismissiveness in my heart, but simply a logical and core question of life. We all find our own ‘point’ and for me, I think mine is missing or hidden. And that is where the emotional issue resides. The question itself isn’t the issue, we all ask it of ourselves at some level, the issue is I don’t know what the point is. I think I’ve gotten so used to friends coming and going (and some enduring too) that I’ve started to question the very foundation of what friendships mean and the purpose they serve. For others, even short-term emotional benefit is a perfectly acceptable point. For me, that doesn’t quite seem to compute.
That’s not to say that I see my friendships as pointless – far from it and I am not saying that. I’ve had some of the happiest memories with friends and some of the deepest sadnesses when I’ve lost friends. It simply means that I’ve lost my fight for keeping them when they start to slip away and I start to ‘distrust’ new friendships as, to my point, what’s the point of letting them in only for them to drift back out again having done (or not done) x, y or z.
This could be a form of pessimism being dressed up as a profound question of life. That is a possibility. Or it could be that I just need to reassess what is actually important to me and then things fall back into place.
I’m looking forward to exploring this with the counsellor a little more. We are all complex beings, all of us, so if you’re reading this thinking what a screwed-up weirdo I am, that’s totally fine. You’re not wrong. You’re also not right either. And welcome to the one of the many paradoxes that is the world of Mental Health.
I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you all. I enjoy writing and haven’t been doing enough of what I enjoy lately so I want to write more. So, I’ll be sharing more of my mental health journey and hopefully some other things too.
