The last time I posted was over a year ago and in that time I’ve been in hiding. My counsellor has been invaluable in moving me along my journey to find out what keeps holding me back. And indeed what has been holding me back for some time.
I think we are getting close. Indeed, in our last couple of sessions we appear to have made a little breakthrough onto an area I have hidden away and haven’t talked about with anyone in depth for some time.
This is something that very few people talk about and I can see why (not that I approve of the why, just to be clear). In our shallow, superficial and, unfortunately, toxic world of ‘men’ (and I do mean all men, not just gay men), we don’t like to accept that one key ingredient (apparently) that makes you a ‘man’ (gay or otherwise) is a working penis.
And if I’m being totally honest with myself, I probably held that same view for many years. Indeed, that view probably drove my sense of shame and resistance to acknowledge it was happening to me.
For those of you that don’t know, I was diagnosed with severe hypertension in October of 2020 after a trip to A&E due to a kidney stone. Up until that point I had all of the symptoms of HT (headaches, ED, fatigue etc) but never made the connection it had anything to do with my heart. Until I was taken into A&E with a kidney stone (the little sh*t) and had a BP reported at its height of 320/275. Now I was in extreme pain at that point but that was still dangerously high and even at rest was way into the red zone. Further exploration and tests couldn’t find a cause but did reveal damage to my entire circulatory system and heart. Clearly this had been a thing for about 10 years or so and I had just accepted the symptoms as just a part of me.
One of those symptoms being erectile dysfunction. There is very few stats on how many people it effects under the age of 40 as that age range don’t report it. However in 2019 the Independent ran a story stating that “Up to half of men under 50 suffer from erectile dysfunction, research claims”. Up to half! And yet we still don’t talk about it.
Now don’t get me wrong. As stated in my drunken ‘outing’ of myself on twitter at the weekend, there is nothing noble about me putting it out there. I didn’t do it to raise awareness or change perceptions, I did it because I was drunk, alone, fed up and exhausted from carrying around this sense of shame for 10+ years. One day I may reflect and look at it as something else, but for now it doesn’t feel noble it feels selfish and just something that needed to happen (or so bottles of red wine me seems to think).
(And yes I am aware of the pitfalls of drinking on ED and no I don’t drink frequently nor do I see drink as an escape. Looked at all that while in my sessions so don’t jump on to ‘he was drunk and did it’ and made 2+2 equal 5. Been there, its not a material fact.)
So where am I now? Well, medical and psychological treatment is underway. Counselling to see if the head is causing it now that the Hypertension is under control and further medical treatment because the Hypertension specialist can’t help in that area. So it’s a battle to get a referral from the GP. Oh the joys! I’ll let you know how I get on.
I genuinely don’t know, now, if the ED is now being caused by mind or matter. It’s gone on for so long that it could be a mixture of both. And you can see why, it is a vicious circle. When the ‘matter’ effects it (drink, exhaustion, or just not playing ball) then the mind responds negatively and gives the impression its always going to be like this. When the ‘mind’ effects it, well, they say that stress is a killer for a boner and indeed they would be right – it is. So you end up in this little vicious cycle with no clear way out.
I do stand by what I said at the weekend though. All of it. Even the bits around how ‘toxic’ male (and especially gay male) communities are on this topic. Everything revolves around it. And yes, when I was younger I may well have played a part in that. For at least the last 8 years I have unwillingly played a part in that. Gone along with it for impressions sake. Felt like you had to or you are missing something from your ‘manhood’ or ‘gay identity’. That anxiety that you bring with you into any situation fundamentally changes you as person. It changes how you carry yourself, how you talk, how you run and operate your life – everything. They say that sex isn’t everything and I’m afraid to say that without a reason to abandon it, it is! Sexual presence or sexual confidence drives someone’s very presence in a room. Think of the last confident man you met. I’d bet my pension they are sexually confident. They can rely, mostly if not all the time, on stuff working and being useful (I’m not going into penis size here as that’s a whole other kettle of fish).
So what am I saying here? I think I’m saying that I’ve acknowledged the problem, finally. I remain hopeful of a medical and psychological solution to help restore my confidence and get the true me back up and running again. Whatever that confidence looks like I like to believe that it will return and that we have a plan.
As I said at the weekend, please don’t see me as some sort of ED freedom fighter for I most certainly am not. I’m not talking about it to embrace it, I’m talking about it to battle it and get back what I once had. You could argue I’m still seeing ED as a personal shame, and you would most probably be right. I do. I can’t say that will ever change, but it might. So I don’t qualify as an ‘inspiration’, not by a long way. All I would suggest you do if you have read this and can relate or take some solace is to fight your own fight. Find your own confidence, find your own salvation in the way you see fit. And don’t let anyone else tell you what’s right or wrong for you or how you should be feeling about it. It’s your life, its your confidence, its your pain. You do what you need to in order to be you.
I will, however, promise myself to write more. Not just on this but in general. I don’t write enough anymore and I should. I enjoy it, it helps de-stress and people seem to enjoy reading it. So winner-winner right?
